Studies show 59 percent of Hawaii men suffer from ‘Floating Aloha Shirt Syndrome’
It’s an epidemic specific to the Islands: men who wear aloha shirts five times too big for them.
For decades, Hawaii’s men have been wearing aloha shirts, also referred to as Hawaiian shirts, for business and formal events, but experts finally have an official diagnosis for this set of the population who are literally drowning in the fabric: ‘Floating Aloha Shirt Syndrome.’
The new analysis, compiled by Anyone Who Works In Downtown Honolulu where the disease is most rampant, shows it commonly affects men between the ages of 24 and 55. The signs of Floating Aloha Shirt Syndrome, or FASS, include the wearing of aloha shirts with sleeves way past the individual’s mid-forearms, hems down to the knees, and being mistaken for a King-size bed sheet.
(Note: This figure doesn’t account for visitors where the diagnosis skyrockets to a stat of nearly 94 percent, with almost half experiencing temporary blindness because the prints are way too bright.)
The consequences of FASS are physical and psychological, the study finds. Physically, since so many prints depict beautiful scenes of nature, men dangerously camouflage into Hawaii’s gorgeous surroundings. This poses a serious risk when crossing busy streets where cars are unable to see them. Throughout offices in Honolulu, managers have reported inflicted employees as absent from their desks because they’d originally mistaken them for office plants.
Psychologically, these men are often daydreaming about golfing, decreasing their work productivity.
However, there is hope of curbing this huge problem and lowering the risk of looking like a flowery Kamehameha Day float cruising down Kalakaua Avenue.
The Hawaii State Department of Health currently doesn’t offer rehabilitation services, but the closest thing to a state-funded program would be to expand one’s wardrobe options with a wider variety of aloha shirt brands, they say, tailored for your size.
Also, Happy April Fools’ Day!
FASS hasn’t received clinical designation from any scientific agency, but it’s still no joking matter. Here are some great suggestions of where to pick up modern aloha shirts that will improve your style:
Reyn’s Spooner has introduced a modern, more fitted line for many seasons now. In Chinatown, Hilo’s Sig Zane Designs is about to open shop, known for their attention to fit and streamlined designs. Roberta Oaks, also in the neighborhood, keeps a contemporary sensibility in mind and attention to fit with their retro-inspired offerings. At Ala Moana Shopping Center, a commercial hub for both residents and visitors, Manaola Hawaii always keeps your figure in check.